My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
You Might Also Like
RT if you could go either way.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!