[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
You Might Also Like
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent