Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
umm…
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Bring back the McRib