I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham