me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
You Might Also Like
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running