We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
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Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.