Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
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Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
#parenting
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy