I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
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I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
This is my pinned tweet
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
just witnessed a drug deal
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?