“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
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Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me