Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.