I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.