12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
hmm conte-me mais
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip