Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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Nice try Hitler
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.