today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.