Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
watergate? u mean a dam??
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.