Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax