I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”