By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’m so full I could puke a horse
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent