[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.