GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this