Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it