Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys