Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!