Leaving the Barbers like
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
respect
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My background check bounced.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.