Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
relationship goals
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time