Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Don’t talk down to me
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems