Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy