The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.