Baking is just science you can eat.
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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Golf would be better with landmines.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
best review i’ve ever seen
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”