I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Love is always patient and kind.