Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.