willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Butt weight. There’s more!
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..