“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night