I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Merry Christmas
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.