If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
We like the way Dwight thinks
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!