Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Education is vital
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
i smell a pulitzer
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!