Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
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After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.