Two types of dogs.
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men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Everyone is all ālove is patientā during the wedding but when thereās a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Fortune teller: Your love life willā
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
āThis is so relaxing, better than going outā, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Secret Panel HERE š¤
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Itās an indescribable feeling when Iām trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming āHELPā.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
when nothing goes right… go left
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life