me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
You Might Also Like
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
inside you are two wolves
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror