Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating