Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
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Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
#damn
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over