So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I’ve been learning to cook.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment