Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
that de-escalated quickly
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello