The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
TRAIN’S HERE
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”