Siri: Retweet me.
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.