Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You Might Also Like
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
are there any atheist mantises?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist