I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide