Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.