It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
You Might Also Like
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
haha same
This week’s mood.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.