Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Sunday
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.